I love the analogy about how women are like spaghetti and men are like waffles. Women’s emotions are intertwined and interwoven. When something is bothering us it affects our whole being. And men, well they can more easily compartmentalize and keep those feelings in a box, and life goes on. I’m not sure which marriage group along the way I heard it, but the image has always stuck with me. It helps us understand that it’s not that he doesn’t care, he just naturally can compartmentalize it in a different way than we women naturally do. Or the Christmas light image I have in my head. Women are like the strand of lights at Christmas that when one light goes out, the whole thing shuts off, and men are like the strand where when one bulb is out the rest still remain lit. I love it when I realize that’s the strand of lights I come across after untangling for 15 minutes! Men and women are just wired up differently, it’s a fact, and we each have these unique needs and wants that make us tick in different ways, period. Be in tune to it. Your kids are each wired up differently, and you love them each in a different way, a way that tends to their heart desires, right? Well, maybe you could tune into your man’s heart ticks and go at it with a new set of lenses. Over time we’ve learned each other better because of our intentionality to better understand each other. We try to be intentional about us.
Too many marriages are just getting deeper in the hole, the separation continues to grow, when they could be bubbling over. The division doesn’t happen over night! Work on it right here, right now. You might feel like, where do I even start? We’re in too deep, I don’t even like him right now! I hear it, I hear you, it’s too close to us for me to keep quiet, or maybe it’s unspoken with you or within your in your circle. Work on it before it’s too late! I say start with YOU and the steps you can take, since the reality is what you can control is you. It’s really hard to change others, as you know, so why not start with you and what you can control? Many women say if my husband would just____, or if he just understood or heard me out, if he actually listened to me, not just sat next to me on his phone after work, why does he always have to give me a solution, can’t he just listen, why can’t he apologize and see he was wrong? Ladies, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your marriage didn’t get in this deep over night, so why not start today, right now to begin to rebuild what once was? Water the seed and it will grow.
He desires to be respected, he longs to provide and protect, and he appreciates hearing it verbalized. Can you start with respecting him a little more today than yesterday? Thank him for working hard for your family, thank him for fixing x, y or z. Admire the work he does, it’s what makes him tick. We, humans, naturally show love to others the way we want to be loved, but he doesn’t desire to be loved the same way you do, he desires your respect and admiration for his hard work. He might not vocalize it or even be aware that that’s what he longs for! Switch your lenses and try it. Maybe you need to make a list and brainstorm first to get you to see the good in him if you’re on a negative cycle. Much starts with slowly chipping away and building it back up. Shift your mind to when you first met, first fell in love, said I do, think of those positives and what you did then to ‘make it grow.’ Why not give it a try, time keeps going by. Make it grow, make it beautiful again, take a step in a new direction, because you can!